


Martin’s Guide To Raising 14 Entities

by Gia_my_roommate



Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [7]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Jon is bad with children, M/M, Martin and Jon start a family, Soft Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24391387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gia_my_roommate/pseuds/Gia_my_roommate
Summary: Instead of summoning an eyeball in the sky, Jon gets saddled with 14 (sometimes 15) children and Martin helps raise them.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: Written by someone who has not listened to TMA [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729438
Comments: 9
Kudos: 114





	Martin’s Guide To Raising 14 Entities

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 is a set up to Martin’s guide.

“I open the door!”

Jon felt fear course through his veins as he finished, not mentally prepared with witness the bringers of the apocalypse come into this world.

He expected glass shattering, the world warping.

But life rarely happens how Jon expects.

“Dada?” 

Jon let out a shriek.  
. . . 

Martin expected to come back from his walk to find a statement-filled Jon alone in a cottage.

What Martin found was Jon in the cottage with 13 children. 

One of the older children was jumping up and down on the couch, two were building a fort, two were playing with a spider in the corner, two were wrestling, one angel of a child was just sitting there with a stick, and Martin realized there was a 2 year-old just kind of sitting in the corner staring at the wall bringing the total number of children up to 14. 

“Decided to start a family without me?” Martin joked, unable to get much else out.

Was one of the children trying to start a fire? Where did Jon get all of these kids?

Jon appeared to be in a state of shock, not moving or speaking. 

On Jon’s lap was a baby in a cute little onesie with a little illuminati symbol on it. The baby pulled at Jon’s long, unwashed hair.

“Dada!” The baby cooed.

The rest of the children, Martin noted, were slightly older.

The oldest of which, a bronze skinned boy with black hair, no older than 10, came up to Martin and tugged on the sleeve of his jumper.

“Do you wanna know when you’ll die?” He asked.

“Alright, umm no thank you. Jon?” Martin approached, awkwardly shuffling past the many children.

Martin shook Jon lightly, trying not to knock the baby off his lap.

“What have I done?” Jon asked, looking horribly frightened.

“I don’t know? Did you decide to open a day care?” Martin was completely lost.

“No, no, Elias he had this statement. I couldn’t stop reading it, these are...” Jon stood up, awkwardly holding the baby. 

“Elias had you summon children?” Martin tried to interpret.

“No, these are the entities.” Jon clarified, holding up the baby in wonder.

“I’m sorry?” Martin asked, shocked.

A little girl, about 8 with braided brown hair and freckles, came up to Jon.

“Daaaad, I’m hungry!” She wined. 

“I’m not your-!” Jon clearly had no experience with children. “We need to find Elias and see what the hell is happening.” 

“Go back to the institute you mean?” Martin asked

“Daaaad I want a snack!” The little girl stomped her foot.

“Shut up.” Jon told her “He made the bloody ritual-“

The girl began to cry.

“I want a snack!” She stomped her foot, crying. The baby began to cry as well.

“Jon, you don’t talk to kids like that.” Martin scolded

“They aren’t children! They are entities!” Jon insisted as Martin took the baby from Jon and knelt down.

“We’ll get you a snack, okay?” Martin said while bouncing the baby in hopes of getting it to stop crying.

The girl sniffled. 

“Really?”

“Really. My name’s Martin, what’s yours?” Martin asked

“The Flesh.” She smiled, all teeth.

“Right,” Martin shifted uncomfortably as the baby finally quieted down. “Let’s go get you a snack.”

Martin handed the baby back to Jon.

“Does anybody else want a snack before we go on a road trip? Raise your hand if you want a snack.” Martin called out to the children, all of their hands raised.

“What? We’re not taking them!” Jon hissed

“They are children, we can’t just leave them!” Martin said “Now help me wash all of their hands.”

. . . 

Traveling with 13 children and a baby was awful, Jon learned quickly.

First they had to get a small bus, which took no small amount of manipulation, blackmail, and compulsion.

Then they had to get a car seat for the baby and the Lonely, THEN they had to actually get the children on the bus.

“Alright everyone, buddy off.” Martin commanded “Two to a seat.”

Martin did headcount as the children walked in pairs onto the bus, noticing The Dark by themself at the end. 

“The Dark, where is your buddy?” Martin asked the 6 year old child.

The Dark shrugged, Martin wondered how they could see with their bangs covering their eyes almost completely.

Jon stepped out of the bus, having finally strapped in The Beholding and The Lonely.

“Jon, we’re missing one.” Martin panicked.

“I think I know where he is.” Jon said, looking up.

Martin stepped back and saw the 4 year old on top of the bus. 

“How did he get up there?” Martin asked, looking between Jon and The Vast in shock.

“He’s an entity Martin! I-“ the horn of the bus honked.

Martin and Jon exchanged panicked looks.

“Did you leave the keys in?!” Jon asked, Martin pat down his body.

“No! I-I think one of them took it.” Martin searched his pockets desperately.

The engine started.  
“You handle The Vast, I’ll keep the kids from driving the bus!” Martin said while hurrying into the bus.

. . .

Jon would have preferred the apocalypse over traveling with children.

“I need to pee!” The Spiral called out from the back of the bus not even 20 minutes in, so Jon pulled over to take The Spiral to the bathroom.

Of course there was no family restroom so Jon had to go into the women’s bathroom with her and The Corruption, and The Slaughter, and The Flesh. 

“I’m 5! I can go on my own!” She stomped her foot.

“Well The Slaughter can’t, so deal with it.” Jon thought he was really improving with dealing with kids.

. . .

Taking The Corruption was, hindsight, a mistake on Jon’s part.

The poor woman in the bathroom with them would likely never be seen again.

“We do NOT kill innocent people.” Martin scolded The Corruption. “And we certainly do NOT kill people using bathroom mold.”

The Corruption was looking down at the ground.

“‘M sorry.” She murmured, her black frizzy hair falling into her face slightly.

“It’s okay, just don’t do it again sweetie.” Martin said, patting her on the head.

“Okay!” The Corruption instantly cheered up, skipping back onto the bus.

“Why did you specify not killing only innocent people?” Jon asked

“Well if they deserve it....” Martin trailed off

“Martin!”

. . . 

Jon had never been more relieved to see the Magnus Institute.

“Alright, remember the buddy rule and NO wandering off.” Martin called out to the bus load of children as he and Jon undid The Lonely and The Beholding’s carseats.

“You take the back, I take the front?” Martin asked softly, not wanting to wake either sleeping child.

“Yeah, sure.” Jon nodded, wondering once again how Martin was so much more skilled at this.

Jon would never admit the power he felt leading an army of children into the institute, though he likely looked like some sort of school teacher.

“Elias!” Jon barged in, regretting it as The Beholding started to cry.

“Oh shit! Shush! Please?” Jon tried doing the bouncing thing Martin had done, but to no avail.

“Oh, honestly Archivist.” Elias took The Beholding and quieted her down with ease. “This is our patron, the least you could do is properly hold her.”

“Yeah, about that, what the-“

“Shhhhh.” Elias held a finger to his lips.

Martin poked his head in.

“Jon? The Buried, End, Hunt, Slaughter, Dark, Corruption, and Web have to use the bathroom again. Could you watch the rest?” Martin asked

“That’s fine, bring them in.” Elias nodded in confirmation.

Elias walked back to his desk and sat down with the baby on his lap.

“Dada?” The Beholding pointed to Jon.

“Yes, Dada little Watcher. He brought you and your siblings into this world.” Elias cooed menacingly.

“Elias, what the hell is going on?” Jon demanded, unable to look overly serious as The Vast was attempting to scale him.

“You’ve brought the entities into this world, and they shall bring about the apocalypse in due time.” Elias said smugly

“Right, I figured that was the intent, but why are they children?!” Jon asked, trying to pull The Vast off.

“Keep your focus on what is important, Archivist.” Elias scolded, pulling out some papers. “We should get to work on forging legal documents for all of them, I’m sure we could get them each private tutors but if they fell ill-“

“You want to forge legal documents for them?!”

“They cannot go uneducated, honestly. It’s a good thing they’re Uncle Elias is around or the entities would be taken by protective services.” Elias rolled his eyes.

“Look what I did!” The Stranger made her arms go to the floor.

“That’s....lovely.” Elias said, awkwardly.

“I can’t just keep 14 children!” Jon exclaimed

“Well they can’t go anywhere else. You summoned them.” Elias said, standing up and handing Jon back The Beholding.

“Where would I keep 14 children?” Jon asked, realizing it was unlikely he’d be able to get rid of the entities easily.

“Well, I suggest you and Martin go house hunting.” Elias shrugged.

. . .

Martin watched as Jon tried to teach The Slaughter how to read.

“No, no, no. Sound it out.” Jon said, frustrated.

“Patience, Jon.” Martin called out from the kitchen. He had The Beholding strapped to his chest.

“I AM PATIENT!” 

Martin genuinely wondered if everyone would survive for a full year.


End file.
